


The chicken fic

by phanpls



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan - Freeform, Smut, Swearing, weird fetish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-17 10:33:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3526028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanpls/pseuds/phanpls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has a chicken fetish</p>
            </blockquote>





	The chicken fic

**Author's Note:**

> CAN I JUST SAY  
> THIS IS A JOKE  
> THIS WHOLE THING IS A JOKE  
> MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN BUGGING ME TO WRITE AND UPLOAD THIS FOR A WHILE NOW AND YEAH IM FINALLY GETTING ROUND TO IT  
> I love Dan and Phil and I'm so sorry if they ever come across this  
> *WARNINGS*  
> Minor smut  
> Bit gross tbh  
> Tad of swearing  
> Small death

They never went food-shopping together, which was weird, considering they’d been best friends living together for 5 years. They’d usually order it offline because they were both too lazy to leave the house, and spent the majority of their lives on the internet anyway. Dan was trying out a social experiment where he was trying to spend only 4 hours a day on the internet, and he’d already used 2 hours of it from aimlessly browsing through tumblr in the morning, and he wanted at least another 2 hours free to do the same that night.  
‘Hey Dan, do you ever wonder if they have yoghurts on Mars?’ Phil wondered out loud. Dan chucked and replied with,  
‘No, Phil. Yoghurts are a man-made creation, much unlike Mars, and all life on it.’ He’s so articulate Phil kept his thoughts to himself.  
‘Do you think cows use abbreviations like ‘LOL’?’ Phil said, hoping for an answer, but Dan just chuckled once again and shook his head gently. Phil wish he would reply more, but he couldn’t blame him. He didn’t even know why Dan was hanging around with such a loser like him. I’m so weird, why does he like me?  
Just as they were walking past the eggs, Phil stopped in his tracks. He looked visibly uncomfortable, which worried Dan.  
‘Hey Phil, you okay?’ he asked with a tone of worry in his voice. Phil’s eyes looked soulless, like they were imagining something deep and dark, ‘Come on Phil answer me, you’re acting like you were sexually harassed by a chicken as a child or something,’ Dan snorted. Phil twitched at the sentence, which worried Dan further.  
‘I-I’m fine...’ Phil stuttered, picking up a pack of eggs. He slightly stroked the picture of the hen that was plastered on the front of the packaging. ‘I just... need to get out of here.’ he ran off in the direction of the shop’s exit, keeping the eggs. Ok. NOW Dan was freaked out. He loved Phil with his heart and soul, and knew him like he was his brother. I guess that was part of being best friends. He always knew when something was wrong with him, and today was one of them times.  
‘Phil!’ he called following Phil’s previous steps to the door.

He didn’t know how Phil had got away with stealing the full pack of eggs, but he did. And he was still nowhere to be seen. Dan was desperately texting him, worried sick.  
Dan: Phil where are you?  
Dan: Phil  
Dan: Come on Phil you’re scaring me  
Dan: Where the fuck are you?  
Dan: Phiiiiiiiilllllllllllll  
Dan: Ugh please Phil, I’ve just left a full trolley of goods in Tesco that we spent like AN HOUR PICKING COME ON PHILIP  
Dan: You stole the eggs you’ve just committed a crime  
Dan: Was it the eggs  
Phil: Look to your left you idiot  
Dan froze in his steps. He wasn’t sure whether he actually wanted to look left, considering the awful consequences that could follow. This was London. And he could see there was a dark alley in the corner of his left eye. But still, Phil’s behaviour worried him, and he’d do whatever it would take to keep him safe. He slowly turned to the left to see a black silhouette hiding at the end of the alley. He carefully and slowly stepped towards it.  
‘Here chick-chick-chicken...’ Phil sung demonically.  
‘Phil what th’ Dan was cut off by an egg hitting his face and smashing from the contact, ‘Phil what the bloody FUCK do you think you’re doing? You’re acting like a maniac’  
‘MAYBE I AM A MANIAC’ he screamed, ‘and you’re a chicken anyway, chickens can’t speak, so if I were you, I’d shut it.’ He said bluntly. Dan obeyed Phil. He was scared of this Phil. This Phil wasn’t the adorable, innocent man who played Mario kart tournaments at 3am when they couldn’t sleep. This Phil wasn’t the man who bought him a totoro plush because he knew it made Dan smile. This wasn’t the Phil he loved. This wasn’t his best friend.  
He was broken away from his thoughts when a pair of lips crashed against his own. His mind was a mess right now. This had to be a dream, and he couldn’t wait to wake up. Although come to think of it, he wasn’t pulling away. Wait- was Dan... Gay? No he couldn’t be. He’d spent years convincing himself that he wasn’t. Maybe that was just more proof that he was. Maybe he’d try another social experiment whilst he was already doing the internet one. Here goes nothing. He deepened the kiss and it was returned by Phil putting his hand round Dan’s waist. But he’s acting like a FUCKING POSSESSED SEX OFFENDER Dan’s mind screamed. Luckily Phil’s voice was louder when he pulled away,  
‘Cluck for me Dan’ he said with a deadpan expression. What.  
‘Sorry?’ Dan questioned,  
‘I said, cluck for me...’ a smirk crept up onto his lips, ‘Dan.’  
‘Cluck?’ Dan slowly said. Phil nodded and moaned into Dan’s shoulder. He was so confused. Why was Phil acting like this?  
‘That’s the good stuff baby... carry on...’ Phil whispered. Dan was so confused.  
‘Wait Phil...’ he said,  
‘What?’ Phil pulled away from Dan to stare into his chocolate brown orbs, ‘What is it, chicken?’  
‘What are we doing?’ he hesitated, but once he said it, Phil smiled eerily,  
‘What aren’t we doing, hen?’ what was with the creepy nicknames? Dan didn’t know what he was doing. The phan shippers would be freaking out right now if they saw this situation,  
‘That wasn’t the question, Phil, I just... what’s happening? Why are you acting like this?’ he asked, practically begging for an answer,  
‘Well, my little rooster...’ Phil said, edging even closer to Dan, even though he didn’t think it was possible to get any closer to him. Suddenly he pushed Dan against the damp alleyway wall and whispered in his ear, ‘I think I like you...’ Really? This was how he was telling him? Dan’s thoughts overwhelmed him, and before he could answer, his lips were pressed firmly against Phil’s. It took him all of his will power to pull away to ask him another question,  
‘Phil for fucks sake,’ Dan shook Phil off him, ‘What is with the chicken references?’  
‘Shut up, cockerel,’ he had had enough. Phil firmly tackled Dan to the ground and pinned his arms above his head.  
As much as Dan tried to resist Phil’s touch, he couldn’t help but enjoy the feeling of vunerableness that was dawning over him. Phil was always so cute and innocent. And never in control like this.  
‘Do you have a chicken fetish or something?’ Dan joked but Phil stiffened at the words and Dan froze. Both men were as still as statues in the dark alleyway. ‘What th- you don’t actually...’ Phil stayed silent. It was like none of this had happened, and the innocent Phil was back. With wide eyes he stared at the wall, and both of them ignored the fact that Phil was pressed on top of Dan in the middle of an abandoned alleyway in London. Dan smirked and raised an eyebrow. Well, I’m fucked. I’m definitely gay. Might as well have a bit of fun...  
‘Cluck...’ Dan looked Phil dead in the eye and he shivered, ‘Bwark...’ he did his best chicken sounds he could,  
‘Ugh’ Phil breathed. What the fuck? He actually has a chicken fetish? Was this even real? Dan brought his face closer to Phil’s, which was covered in beads of sweat. He must be scared out of his mind... poor thing...  
‘Well Philip, it’s a shame you’ll never get to date a chicken... It’s kind of illegal...’ he smirked once again as he saw Phil’s expression drop. Come on Dan... Say it... ‘But you can date me...’ Phil looked up immediately, staring into Dan’s eyes once again. Dan stared back into Phil’s blue orbs. Why hadn’t he done that before? They were beautiful, and despite the freakish situation they were in, he couldn’t help but appreciate how beautiful they were. Dan felt something weird in his stomach. He was definitely not straight. ‘Ugh fuck it,’ he brought his lips up to Phil’s again, and closed the small gap between them. This was more of a gentle loving kiss, compared to the mess earlier. Dan wanted it to stay that way, but Phil had other ideas,  
‘Ugh cluck for me again Dan... You have no idea what it does to me...’ Dan you’re a loner. Just do it, you might actually get laid for the first time in years.  
‘Cluck, cluck, cluck,’ he repeated. He shivered when Phil started planting kisses down his neck and onto his slightly exposed collar bones. ‘Fucking cluck Phil do something to me,’ he begged breathlessly, ‘I don’t care if we’re in this fucking alley just, cluck, do something...’  
‘Only if we can do it my way...’ Phil said between kisses, ‘the eggscelent way’ Dan ignored the pun and nodded. ‘Thank you, cockerel,’ Phil smiled and continued to kiss Dan. Dan sat up and Phil straddled him, and carried on kissing him passionately. He felt Phil reach to unbutton Dan’s jeans and he didn’t stop him,  
‘Aren’t you straight Phil?’ Dan asked giggling, ‘Straight boys shouldn’t be doing things like that,’  
‘Shut up Dan, you’re a chicken remember,’ Phil said sharply, and quite harshly. He took Dan’s black skinny jeans off in one swift movement.  
‘Wow- I mean cluck,’ Dan stuttered,  
‘You sick fuck, how are you enjoying this?’ Phil exclaimed loudly, ‘You’re being told to act like a fucking chicken and you’re hard? You sick fuck.’ Phil growled, but Dan didn’t care. Yes he was hard. And yes he was being told to act like a chicken in a sexual situation. But he didn’t care, because right now, all he cared about was Phil. He just wanted Phil, all of Phil. Now. Regardless of whether he was acting like a raging chicken-keeper or not; he wanted to please him.  
But he really wanted Phil’s jeans off too.  
But how did he signal that through chicken noises?  
‘Uh- cluck, cluck, Bwark, cluck, Bwark?’ Dan asked, keeping in his role of a chicken. Phil followed promptly by chucking his own jeans off. Did he really just speak chicken? Maybe he was a chicken in his past life.  
‘Get on your knees now, cockerel. I want to see your COCKerel,’  
‘Cluck, cluck,’ Dan clucked impressed at Phil’s angriness.

*INSERT GENERIC SEX HERE*

Phil moaned and collapsed on top of Dan. They both really hoped no one had seen what had happened in that alleyway. It was quiet down there anyway, and none of them were really considering going back home. Phil smirked and looked at Dan, who had stopped himself from making noise by biting his lip so hard, it was bleeding.  
‘Y’know what happens when chickens have sex right?’ his voice was raspy, and had the consistency of a cornflake. Dan shook his head and made a high pitched whimper, once again resembling a confused chicken.  
‘They make baby chickens.’ Phil said, his expression not changing. ‘That makes you a pregnant hen.’  
Dan was terrified, and he wasn’t going to lie. The sex they just had was amazing, and Phil was already announcing he was pregnant. That wasn’t even possible.  
‘But Ph-‘Dan tried to announce, but Phil wasn’t having it. He took several eggs in his hands.  
‘Pregnant hens lay eggs, Dan...’ Phil teased, a creepy smile playing at his lips,  
‘Phil we just fucked in the middle of an alley, stop worrying about eggs and shit and start worrying if anyone saw us...’ Dan wasn’t interrupted this time.  
‘Shut the fuck up, you hen.’ Phil said, ‘Now you’re going to lay some eggs, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.’  
‘Well give me a fucking abortion then, Phil. I’m tired of this bullshit, let’s leave this alley, and forget about what happened down it!’ Dan was getting noticeably angrier with everything Phil said.  
Before he could say anything else, he felt a strange presence in his arsehole. He looked to Phil to see what the fuck was happening. Phil had shoved an egg up Dan’s arsehole. Dan tried to object, but he couldnt. He made an attempt to tell Phil to stop, because what they were doing was messed up. He couldn’t object, as Phil shoved egg after egg up Dan’s butt.  
‘Now push, mother hen...’ Phil muttered, sitting back to observe what can only be described, as chicken birth. Dan started to push, and as he did so, he heard a satisfying plop of an egg hitting the floor. An hour ago, Dan identified as a straight man. But now, he could be identified as a bisexual chicken. After a good 5 minutes of pushing, Dan had finished birth. Although, Dan couldn’t help but think he was forgetting something. Oh well. After the whole situation, they both got dressed and walked off, like nothing had happened.

*5 MONTHS LATER*  
None of them spoke of that day since the day itself. Once they had gotten home, they’d unpacked their shopping, and watched WALL-E for the sixth time. Of course Dan had looked at Phil differently, but Phil saw Dan as the same. There had been time when Dan had wanted to steal kisses from him, and times he had tried, but he was only pushed away by Phil.  
@danisnotonfire: filming for Phil is not on fire 7! Send in your Q’s now!  
‘Would you rather eat a horse sized cow, or a cow sized horse?’ Dan asked Phil,  
‘Definitely the cow, I probably wouldn’t have to eat for days!’ Phil replied with a smile,  
‘Next...’ Dan said, ‘Would you rather kiss a dog, or a chicken?’ Phil froze at Dan’s words. Dan suddenly felt an extreme pain in his stomach.  
‘FUCK’ Dan screamed when the pain intensified, ‘FUCKING SHIT OWWWW’  
‘Shit Dan are you okay?’ Phil asked, worry evident in his voice,  
‘FUCK I think I need to shit!’ Dan cried out, running to the toilet wailing in agony. As soon as he sat himself down on the toilet, he pushed as hard as he could. This cannot be a shit, it feels like fucking CHILDBIRTH! Dan felt something escape his butt cheeks and landed in the toilet. He looked at it, to see it was an egg. An egg. What. He picked it up to feel it was slightly heavier than your average egg. He took it to Phil in the other room, who had a look of worry on his face.  
‘Why the fuck do you have an e-‘he stopped when he noticed it started to move. It can’t be. Phil took Dan’s hands that were still holding the egg. They both watched it hatch, to reveal a small baby chick. They were both confused, but through the confusion, they both looked at each other, shocked.  
‘We’re dads...’ Dan said with a smile on his face. He’d always wanted to be a dad, and by the look on Phil’s face, he did too. 

*2 MONTHS LATER*  
‘Come on Phil! We’re taking Megan to the pond today remember!’ Dan called cheerfully, holding Megan in his hands. She pecked his thumb with her sharp beak.  
Phil walked round the corner to see the beautiful scene unfolding before him. Dan and their child was just a gorgeous thing to watch.  
‘I love you so much Dan...’ Phil said, a tear escaping his eye, and landing on Megan’s soft, yellow feathers.  
‘I love you too Phil,’ Dan replied with a shaky smile. 

*2 MONTHS LATER*  
‘Phil!’ Dan cried, he was shaking uncontrollably,  
‘Dan what’s wrong?’ he asked, but then he saw. Megan. Lifeless in Dan’s shaking hands.  
‘Megan...’ Phil gasped. He stroked her yellow feathers. He hated Dan. ‘YOU KILLED HER’ he screamed,  
‘WHAT NO I LOVED HER IM SO UPSET SHE DIED IN MY HANDS!’ Dan shouted  
‘YES BECAUSE YOU FUCKING STRANGLED HER’ Phil replied. Dan was gobsmacked. How Phil could even THINK that Dan would kill their sweet child, it broke his heart.  
‘You know what Phil?’ Dan started, ‘I fucking LOVED Megan so much. I was her mother, of course I would. You’re the one that just FUCKED ME AND GAVE ME NO SUPPORT THROUGH CHILDBIRTH!’ That was it. Phil got up, smacked Dan, and left with Megan’s corpse. And never came back.  
THE END.


End file.
